Those Dam Beavers

[Darth Android]

this is a true story between Ryan DeVries and the state of Michigan:

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Enviromental Quality that there has been recent unautherized activity at [2088 Dagget Pierson, Michigan]. You are certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unautherized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Enviromental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 32430113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of these dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any furthur unautherized activity on the site may result in this case being reffered for elevated enforcement action. We anticicpate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division



Ryan DeVries responce was:

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unautherized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, autherize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you called their skillful use of Nature's building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistance, their dam determination, and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to descriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers?
-OR-
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to your dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there reallyi sa dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Enviromental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 32430113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for the said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that one or both dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, the obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unautherized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and the water flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Enviromental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the enviroment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be reffered for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/03? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them at that time.

In conclution, I would like to bring your attention to a real enviromental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. I f you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this responce to your dam office.

Thank you,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers



WHEW!!
this is a true story in michigan
note that there are minor spelling errors which i corrected as Ryan needs to learn how to spell

[Jeremiah Walgren]

Haha, that's great!!

[Darth Android]

yah, i want to note that 1. i did not censor it and 2. everytime he used "dam" it grammatically fits into the sentance!

[Darth Android]

oh, an i have a boat load more... like "things to do in the computer lab" and "things to do to your professor"

preview of a comp. lab one:
find a computer and login. wait 5 seconds, then get a look of horror on your face, shout "They found me!!!" and run out of the lab

[NETWizz]

This dam joke was very funny. I think I will correct the grammar and re-print giving credit to to whoever wrote it. I think it will be great.

[Darth Android]

um, unless i mispelled a word, there are no grammar errors. the word "dam" is used correctly every time

[NETWizz]

There are a few gramatical errors; however, for the most part, the grammar is quite good. Still, I can make a few adjustments to make it flow easier.

[Darth Android]

oh, well, i just typed work for word. making it flow easier i didnt do.

[yugniht]

just curious, how do you know this is true, and if it really is, how did the department respond?

[NextPerception]

that is hilarious

[DarkerLine]

Things to do in the computer lab: Type in '=' (or some weird symbol) as your username and press enter. For some school networks this will cause an error.