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NextPerception
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Joined: 08 Sep 2003
Posts: 203
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 Posted: 16 Sep 2003 10:35:20 pm Post subject: |
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a man walks into a bar...
and it hurts... |
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NextPerception
Member
Joined: 08 Sep 2003
Posts: 203
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| Posted: 16 Sep 2003 10:42:22 pm Post subject: |
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Feline Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. |
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NextPerception
Member
Joined: 08 Sep 2003
Posts: 203
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| Posted: 16 Sep 2003 10:48:12 pm Post subject: |
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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" |
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Darth Android
DragonOS Dev Team
Bandwidth Hog
Joined: 31 May 2003
Posts: 2104
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| Posted: 16 Sep 2003 11:10:28 pm Post subject: |
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sandy is stupid
the cat one is funny! rofl!!! |
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yugniht
Member
Joined: 29 May 2003
Posts: 167
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| Posted: 17 Sep 2003 06:00:28 pm Post subject: |
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| George Bush and a Cheany were in a restauarant and Bush was ready to order. He told the waitress that he would like a "quickie" and she called him a pervert and slapped him in the face. a then said "umm, I think it's pronounced quiché George." |
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Darth Android
DragonOS Dev Team
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Joined: 31 May 2003
Posts: 2104
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| Posted: 17 Sep 2003 06:17:56 pm Post subject: |
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| my teacher has four "Idiot Folders", each like 4 in thick. ill do like one story a day or something... |
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NextPerception
Member
Joined: 08 Sep 2003
Posts: 203
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| Posted: 18 Sep 2003 05:29:19 pm Post subject: |
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Computer help for dummies, by dummies
Sidenote: don't actually do any of the following thing. I cannot be held responsible for making the computer worse.
what do you do when your computer's screen freezes?
put a scarf around the base of the monitor.
what do you do when your computer has a bug?
spray massive ammounts of bug spray into the vents.
What do you do when your computer is making loud beeping noises?
turn the speakers volume down.
what do you do when your hard drive fails?
you give it a pep talk about not quitting things.
what do you do when your computer wont turn on?
plug it in.
What do you do when your computer gets a virus?
put it in a plastic bubble so it won't contaminate others.
What do you do when your computer crashes?
depends on what it crashed into...
What if Windows Frys every single component in your computer?
That is what Windows was made to do. This is not classified as problem but an improvment from previous versions of windows such as windows 98 which was the amount of new "windows" (holes) it made in your house when it made your computer turn into a miniature mushoom cloud. |
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Flash
Umpa Loompa
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Joined: 31 Aug 2003
Posts: 110
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| Posted: 18 Sep 2003 06:19:44 pm Post subject: |
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lol these are all great  ... if i wasnt the lazy bastard like i am i would attempt to come up with a few |
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Darth Android
DragonOS Dev Team
Bandwidth Hog
Joined: 31 May 2003
Posts: 2104
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| Posted: 18 Sep 2003 06:25:59 pm Post subject: |
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i have a whole bunch comin....
just give me a few days and ill rock the board! |
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62 52 53 53
Formerly known as 62 52 53 53
Active Member
Joined: 30 May 2003
Posts: 607
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| Posted: 19 Sep 2003 09:10:49 am Post subject: |
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| What???? I wasn't supposed to plug my computer in???? Why??? is that dan...*high voltage line falls on house* *surge blows up computer* *knocked out* *people from funny farm come* *taken away for pluging in a windows computer* *terminally inactive user profile* |
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DmitriB
Advanced Member
Joined: 22 Jun 2003
Posts: 319
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| Posted: 20 Sep 2003 09:00:23 am Post subject: |
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this is kind of stupid so it gets locked now.
 (Ninjas copyright 2003 Alex Redmon, used with permission.)
The ninjas dissaprove of this topic.
(Ninjas copyright 2003 Alex Redmon, used with permission.) |
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Open Topic & United-TI Talk => General Open Topic
