Windows 95 Source Code

[KD5YTX]

Windows 95 Source Code

Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}


The ninjas knew all along...

[Arcane Wizard]

That won't work because you forgot to define a lot of stuff.

[62 52 53 53]

NO DUH! Why do you think windows doesen't work?

[Toksyuryel]

I seem to have typed "ROFLMFAO" too many times. This forum has some wierd rules. I only typed it 20 times...

[NETWizz]

Twenty is too many; it looks bad.

How would you like to waste your time scrolling through useless post containing the same word many times?

ROFLMFAO
ROFLMFAO

It gets quite annoying does it not?

In the future, I will lock topics with spam and continue to warn the members, who spam.

[Arcane Wizard]

[62 52 53 53]

<hint> for those who didn't get it, so was I<hint>

[Flash]

i never knew windows was evil. i always thought they were nice and everything worked perfectly. windows would never rip off the customer for lots and lots of money to fix a problem that was intentually programmed into its software, never.

dont they own all rigths to the "care bears"???

[KD5YTX]

[Flash]

windows ME, you can pick it up at a store near you for a very low price compared to useful os's. it will never have any problems as long as you dont use it.
as for the weed, i just use a mixture of grasses, i find golf corse grass ("the green") to work best. (<<-JOKE for you moderators out there, you know who you are)

[KD5YTX]

If I wanted an operating system I wasn't going to use, I would use Mac OS (though they are improving drastically). An Apple commercial stands out to me as this:
Buy a Mac. You don't need friends. Your Mac will have friends for you. You don't need to do your work on a computer - your Mac will do it for you. Just plug it in and stick it in a readily visible location, so that you may look at it's pretty case often. Other people have been payed to say how much they like their Macs, and they don't have lives - now you to can let your Mac carry your life on for you. Mac: Don't think.


Ninjas abstain from the use of Macintoshes, except during mass political overthrows.

[Flash]

[62 52 53 53]

Hey! MACS are good. Just because MICROSOFT tried to sue Apple because MICROSOFT stole the MAC idea of a GUI, and they lost business and therefore software, doesen't mean that MACS are bad. Now MICROSOFT, there's something bad. Dumb monopolizers!


Due to monotary issues, the "more ninjas" use linux to combat the "WIN samauri." The "more ninjas" would appreciate the funding to use macs. Optimally, sufficient funding will be ammassed to create or find a macintosh emulator for linux.

[KD5YTX]

Who said I was pro Microsoft? Or pro GUI at that?!?! And the Mac was what I started on (come on, I was 8 - gimme a break, I didn't know better!).


The ninjas are wishing they had copyrighted/copywritten?? themselves.

[NETWizz]

[AlienCC]

[Arcane Wizard]

[DmitriB]

i try and bribe anyone that i can even if it has no advantage for me do so. its just fun to bribe people and even more fun to get away with it.


the ninjas always bribe people to do thier bidding. stealing others peoples ideas is really fun...YAH!!! lets all steal the ninjas!!

[Flash]

bribing is fun

[Toksyuryel]

I think linux is the best. It's free(unlike windows), it works(unlike windows), and it's JBirk's avitar(unlike windows).


The less ninjas are using linux to contact the ninjas and the more ninjas to coordinate an assult against DmitriB. Make your own ninjas.