| Author |
Message |
|
Twiztid33
Member
Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 106
|
 Posted: 23 Dec 2003 07:46:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
The President''s Puzzle
a Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Famous George W. Quotes
"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully."
"I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses."
Big pimpin'
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush?
A a with a speech impediment. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Twiztid33
Member
Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 106
|
| Posted: 02 Jan 2004 11:48:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
more jokes....
A Country War
A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.
"Before i put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"
The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song 'Yeah, Alabama?"
"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"
The Tennessee man said, "COuld you shoot me before you play 'Yeah, Alabam?"
Sobriety Test
A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.
Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.
When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands
By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of a from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Twiztid33
Member
Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 106
|
| Posted: 03 Jan 2004 12:11:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
more...
A Redneck Retaliation
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
Saddam's Bumperstickers
"My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker"
"Dukakis-Bentsen in '92"
"If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries"
"Bomb me, I need the insurance"
"Shi'ites happen"
French Stamps
Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
People were confused about which side to spit on
What''s the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes.
Q. Whats the difference between George W. ...
Q. What''s the difference between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein ?
A. It took Saddam 20 years to get that unpopular.
Bush's Winning Campaign Slogans
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me!
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers.
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DarkerLine
ceci n'est pas une |
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 04 Nov 2003
Posts: 8328
|
| Posted: 03 Jan 2004 03:10:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Twiztid33 wrote: Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands
By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
I think all of these would be funny except for the country being joked about. I don't get the one about america, though. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Arcane Wizard
`semi-hippie`
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 8993
|
| Posted: 04 Jan 2004 05:31:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
Fun, but no Holland joke?  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
sgm
Calc Guru
Joined: 04 Sep 2003
Posts: 1265
|
| Posted: 04 Jan 2004 02:44:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Arcane Wizard wrote: Fun, but no Holland joke?
NETHERLANDS:
Anybody know where I can score some Doritos? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Arcane Wizard
`semi-hippie`
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 8993
|
| Posted: 05 Jan 2004 06:52:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I don't get it. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Adm.Wiggin
aka Tianon
Know-It-All
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 1874
|
| Posted: 05 Jan 2004 09:03:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
NETHERLANDS (Holland) :
"Do you have any normal cheese? Do you guys wear those funny wooden shoes all the time?"
cheers!
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Arcane Wizard
`semi-hippie`
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 8993
|
| Posted: 05 Jan 2004 10:15:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hehe, no we don't have normal cheese, and yes we always wear those funny wooden shoes, those things are bloody cold during winter.
jk |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Adm.Wiggin
aka Tianon
Know-It-All
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 1874
|
| Posted: 05 Jan 2004 05:59:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Arcane Wizard wrote: jk
lol
i know, they are only for ceremonies (parties too?)
never EVER ask for plain chedder cheese in Holland. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Arcane Wizard
`semi-hippie`
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 8993
|
| Posted: 06 Jan 2004 08:39:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
| They are only worn by people who have too much free time and like to wear them to dance with in old dances and stuff. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Adm.Wiggin
aka Tianon
Know-It-All
Joined: 02 Jun 2003
Posts: 1874
|
| Posted: 06 Jan 2004 06:04:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
guess what? i found out they sell (imported from Holland) Gouda cheese in my supermarket!  :D
hmm, anyone else have any country jokes? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DarkerLine
ceci n'est pas une |
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 04 Nov 2003
Posts: 8328
|
| Posted: 07 Jan 2004 05:02:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
An american and american indian are talking. The american indian has just visited New York, and is very impressed.
American: How do you like our city?
Indian: Marvellous. But tell me, how do you like our country? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
62 52 53 53
Formerly known as 62 52 53 53
Active Member
Joined: 30 May 2003
Posts: 607
|
| Posted: 08 Jan 2004 04:17:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
anything companies send you that they want something mailed back from has a little square saying, "place stamp here"
consider the following question:
"Can we legitimately claim to be a superpower if we need to be reminded to put a stamp on an envelope?"--netscape article |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Open Topic & United-TI Talk => General Open Topic
