Once upon a time, a nice old guy died and went to Heaven.
Upon his arrival there, an angel greeted him and took him for a tour of the place. Along the way, they came to a room full of fans. Every once in a while, one of the fans would spin. The angel said
"There is a fan in here for every living person on Earth. Whenever one tells a lie, their corresponding fan spins."
The man noticed one fan that was spinning constantly and quite rapidly. He asked "Who does that fan belong to?"
The angel replied "Oh, that's Bill Clinton's fan. We use it for air conditioning."


A pastor and a priest were standing on opposite sides of a road. The pastor held a sign that read "Change your way!" The priest held a sign that said "The end is near!"
After a while, a guy came driving along, and cussed them out for rabble-rousing, Bible-bashing alarmist fanatics.
His car disappeared from sight around a bend. A few seconds later there was a loud explosion.
The pastor turned to the priest and said:
"Do you think we should change our signs to simply say 'Bridge Out'?"

And lastly, a true story:

A little boy was looking at a plaque on the wall at his church. The preacher came along and stood beside him. "Pastor", said the boy, "What do all those names on the plaque mean?"
The preacher replied "Well, son, those are the names of the people who died in the service."
The little boy gave a start and looked at him fearfully:
"Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Hope you like these.

Nice! I especially like the last one.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how the hell they got in there.

This topic is missing something...

A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.

After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."

The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."

The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said. "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

So a baby seal walks into a club.

That was all bad.

Old and bad.

One of my favorites:

There was this particularly unintelligent teenager who worked in a cigar shop. A customer came in and asked him the cost of cigars. He just said "Duuuh". His boss yelled "Tell him the cigars are 50 cents!"
the man left, and a little while later another guy came in and said "Are the cigars fresh?", and the teen said "Duuuh." The boss yelled "Tell him the cigars are fresh, VERY fresh!!" After this man left, another entered and asked the teen if he should buy the cigars, in response to which he also received a "Duuuh." The boss screamed "Tell him he better do it before someone else does!!!" After the man completed his purchase and left, the kid's boss went to lunch. While he was gone, a robber entered the store and said "How much money's in the cash register?". The teen said "50 cents".
"Are you being fresh with me?"
"Fresh, VERY fresh."
"I'm going to kill you!"
"Better do it before someone else does."

Three blondes were kidnapped and dropped off in a dessert.They were only allowed to bring one thing apiece.The second blond asked the first one, "Why do you have a cheeseburger?".She replied, "So if I get hungry I'll have something to eat." She then asked the second one, "Why do you have a water bottle?" She replied, "So if I get thirsty I'll have something to drink." They both then looked at the third blond and asked, "Why do you have a car door?" She replied, "So if I get hot I can roll down the window."

There were three blondes who decided to visit Disneyland.
As they were traveling they saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left', so they went back home.

The new name of the game is blond jokes, eh?

What's the difference between a pizza and cat?

Cats don't taste good with mozzarella cheese.

A woman was driving down the highway when she came to a turn around a large hill. As she approached the turn, a man driving the other way rolled down his window and yelled "COW!!" Naturally, the woman, enraged at this random insult, shouted back "PIG!!" She then proceeded to drive around the turn and WHAM! She drove right into a cow.



Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,

'Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.'

Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,

'Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.'

'That, too, is horrible,' said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, 'OK, imagine this, I'm in this guy's refrigerator...'

I don't get it, I must be missing something... D:

Obviously it was the guy cheating with the first man's wife, who had to hide in the refrigerator.

Whoops! I read that wrong. I completely skipped the word "in."

That one's so old it has whiskers.

Yes I agree, what happened to foamys taco bell joke.