I made a script that would go through the DoorsCS bot replies and turn them into if-then:respond statements. I don't know if the creators would be ok with you adding this into Unichat, but I made it sooo here it is
Code: if (message == "o/") {
respond("waves at DecBot o/");
}
if (message == "kermm") {
respond("KermM is still not your personal programmer.");
}
if (message == "ask") {
respond("Don't ask to ask, or ask if anyone is here, or if anyone is alive, or if anyone uses something. Just ask!");
}
if (message == "utmaps") {
respond("find the Cemetech UT2004 maps here http://tinyurl.com/utmaps");
}
if (message == "pillow") {
respond("nick wanted you to have this pillow.");
}
if (message == "topic") {
respond("You should make a topic!");
}
if (message == "6/2(1+2)") {
respond("=9");
}
if (message == "post") {
respond("You should post in the thread.");
}
if (message == "account") {
respond("You can register for a Cemetech account at http://www.cemetech.net/forum/profile.php?mode=register");
}
if (message == "doorscs") {
respond("DoorsCS is a bot that helps us do things.");
}
if (message == "bashphorism") {
respond("#bash The questioner will keep changing the original question until it drives the helpers in the channel insane.");
}
if (message == "etiquette") {
respond("Read this, please: http://mywiki.wooledge.org/NetEtiquette");
}
if (message == "war") {
respond("are we talking about programming languages again?");
}
if (message == "nayy") {
respond("=^_^= NEKO");
}
if (message == "grammar") {
respond("http://learnyourdamnhomophones.com/");
}
if (message == "emacs") {
respond("a great operating system, lacking only a decent editor");
}
if (message == "vi") {
respond("vi only has 2 modes: beep repeatedly, and break everything.");
}
if (message == "losing") {
respond("fun!");
}
if (message == "ninja'd") {
respond("Somebody typed faster to express the same sentiment.");
}
if (message == "introduce") {
respond("You should introduce yourself: http://cemete.ch/t4925");
}
if (message == "implied") {
respond(" implied not found. Did you mean 'implode'?");
}
if (message == "implode") {
respond(" collapses on itself");
}
if (message == "ed") {
respond("What about him?");
}
if (message == "nyaa") {
respond("=^_^= NEKO");
}
if (message == "developers") {
respond("DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS!");
}
if (message == "inception") {
respond("BWAAAAHHHHNNNN See also: Inception");
}
if (message == "gedit z80") {
respond("http://cemete.ch/t5867");
}
if (message == "moar") {
respond("POST MOAR");
}
if (message == "kill") {
respond("kills $1");
}
if (message == "nanananabooboo") {
respond("You can't catch me!");
}
if (message == "cookie") {
respond("Someone wanted you to have this cookie");
}
if (message == "mecookie") {
respond("$nick wanted you to have this cookie");
}
if (message == "konami") {
respond("↑↑↓↓←→←→BA");
}
if (message == "khorne") {
respond("BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!");
}
if (message == "spiders") {
respond("suck");
}
if (message == "keys") {
respond("http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_Instruments_signing_key_controversy");
}
if (message == "nickspam") {
respond("Bad.");
}
if (message == "tanner") {
respond("Stop abusing the bot");
}
if (message == "linux") {
respond("awesomeness");
}
if (message == "wabbit") {
respond("http://wabbit.codeplex.com/");
}
if (message == "freebuild") {
respond("Temporary Freebuild download link: http://sfgp.cemetech.net/fb1.5.2.tgz");
}
if (message == "overkill") {
respond("IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND");
}
if (message == "tokens") {
respond("http://merthsoft.com/Tokens.zip");
}
if (message == "botabuse") {
respond("Take it to /query (or #flood, but /query is better).");
}
if (message == "pastebin") {
respond("Please use Pastebin (http://cemetech.pastebin.com/) to share your code.");
}
if (message == "rtfm") {
respond("Read The Fantastic Manual");
}
if (message == "howask") {
respond("How to ask Smart Questions http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html");
}
if (message == "saxhelp") {
respond("Admins: ~saxfail to enable DoorsCS backup saxjax, ~saxback to disable it");
}
if (message == "pokemonpurple") {
respond(" tifreak8x's TI-Basic Pokemon port. trust us its the best!");
}
if (message == "war2") {
respond("Are we talking about editors again?");
}
if (message == "war3") {
respond("Are we talking about shells again?");
}
if (message == "sugar") {
respond("nospamplz");
}
if (message == "tokenszip") {
respond("http://merthsoft.com/Tokens.zip");
}
if (message == "python") {
respond("David, Kerm, Shaun, Merth, Willrandship, TC01, Kllrnohj");
}
if (message == "war4") {
respond("Are we talking about operating systems again?");
}
if (message == "mint") {
respond("burn it with fire");
}
if (message == "piracy") {
respond("Not for this channel. Take it somewhere else.");
}
if (message == "minecraftchat") {
respond("Please take it to this topic: http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5549");
}
if (message == "minecrafttalk") {
respond("Please take it to this topic: http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5549");
}
if (message == "dcssdk") {
respond("Doors CS 7 SDK http://dcs.cemetech.net/index.php?title=SDK");
}
if (message == "mplayer") {
respond("having vlc steal your libraries and statically compile them has never been so fun!");
}
if (message == "vlc") {
respond("statically compiled mplayer libraries surrounded by qt interface");
}
if (message == "catherine") {
respond("is _player1537 is Tanner");
}
if (message == "qazz") {
respond("What a terrible night to have a curse");
}
if (message == "castlevanis") {
respond("Kill it with fire");
}
if (message == "nout") {
respond("$nick sadly cannot play UT at this present time. :'(");
}
if (message == "war20") {
respond("Are we talking about tev again?");
}
if (message == "notepad") {
respond("{bad at handling files larger than 64k");
}
if (message == "java") {
respond("http://www.bash.org/?946461");
}
if (message == "spree") {
respond("M-M-M-M-MONSTER POST");
}
if (message == "pti") {
respond("http://sgate.emt.bme.hu/patai/pindurti/");
}
if (message == "sax") {
respond("SAX is the Simultaneous Asychronous eXchange chat widget written by Kerm. http://cemete.ch/t3072");
}
if (message == "war5") {
respond("Are we talking about browsers again?");
}
if (message == "browserwar") {
respond("Are we talking about browsers again?");
}
if (message == "oswar") {
respond("Are we talking about operating systems again?");
}
if (message == "shellwar") {
respond("Are we talking about shells again?");
}
if (message == "dcs") {
respond("Downloads and documentation: http://dcs.cemetech.net");
}
if (message == "kitty") {
respond("A cat is fine too.");
}
if (message == "calclink") {
respond(" Learn to link your calculator here: http://tifreakware.net/tutorials/link.htm");
}
if (message == "art") {
respond("Art is arbitrary and fundamentally meaningless.");
}
if (message == "tifreak") {
respond("a cupcake.");
}
if (message == "navi") {
respond("Hey Listen!");
}
if (message == "fail") {
respond("http://www.cemetech.net/img/misc/epicflail.jpg");
}
if (message == "alot") {
respond("http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html");
}
if (message == "sara") {
respond("http://xkcd.com/684/");
}
if (message == "flip") {
respond("(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻");
}
if (message == "unflip") {
respond("┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ)");
}
if (message == "flip2") {
respond("┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ノ︵ ┻━┻");
}
if (message == "space") {
respond("You know what I hope's in space? Fire. I hope you go to space and catch on fire.");
}
if (message == "utip") {
respond("Ask Kerm");
}
if (message == "nikky2") {
respond("http://www.cemetech.net/img/misc/trollinhatin.jpg");
}
if (message == "party") {
respond("http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/party-fails-after-aint-no-party-like-a-calculator-party.jpg");
}
if (message == "pr0n") {
respond("http://i41.tinypic.com/9vk1fl.gif");
}
if (message == "randwar") {
respond("Are we (fight|yell|scream|argu|rant|yapp|groan)ing about (shells|operating systems|editors|calculators|websites|your mother|religion) again?")
}
if (message == "nikky3") {
respond("Nikky is a sincere, intelligent, and caring person who loves all people.");
}
if (message == "troll") {
respond("A troll is a short little creature that hates all life. If you happen to run across one on the interwebs, be sure to spray it in the eyes with mace.");
}
if (message == "glk2") {
respond("<+glk> Ban calculators as weapons of math instruction.");
}
if (message == "glk3") {
respond("<glk> My other computer is a Turing punch tape machine");
}
if (message == "javasucks") {
respond("http://f.asset.soup.io/asset/3004/4095_7f1a_390.jpeg");
}
if (message == "yes ut") {
respond("I will gladly join you for UT gogogogo!");
}
if (message == "party2") {
respond("* Michael_V brings out the 89 and 83+ with the orange DS slidecases, the 83+ silver edition, and the strobe lights and starts his own ticalc.org party");
}
if (message == "prizmc") {
respond("There's no such thingas Prizm C. It's just C.");
}
if (message == "mlp") {
respond("Kill it with fire.");
}
if (message == "os243") {
respond(" http://education.ti.com/downloads/files/83plus/TI84Plus_OS243.8Xu");
}
if (message == "nano") {
respond(" Why is my source code full of :w's?");
}
if (message == "pico") {
respond(" Aww, what a cute editor!");
}
if (message == "にゃあ") {
respond("=^_^= ~nyaa");
}
if (message == "prizmscreen") {
respond(" 384x216");
}
if (message == "panic") {
respond("http://ompldr.org/vZm1w");
}
if (message == "sovietflip") {
respond("┬──┬╯︵ /(.□. \)");
}
if (message == "kyubey") {
respond("/人◕‿‿◕人\ Anything is possible, if you make a contract with me!");
}
if (message == "nycat") {
respond("ncat miku.acm.uiuc.edu 23");
}
if (message == "shaunnag") {
respond(" @shaun: nagnagnagTokensnagnagnag");
}
if (message == "lol") {
respond("http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=969");
}
if (message == "tableflip") {
respond("(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻");
}
if (message == "tableunflip") {
respond("┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ)");
}
if (message == "hahano") {
respond("<tcparetro> <+nikky> Lol that's so hilarious \ <tcparetro> <+nikky> you should do stand up");
}
if (message == "daisy") {
respond("Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you.");
}
if (message == "thanks") {
respond("*thakns");
}
if (message == "vim") {
respond("<Aoi-chan> everyone's first vi session. ^C^C^X^X^X^XquitqQ!qdammit [esc] qwertyuiopasdfghjkl;:xwhat");
}
if (message == "buru") {
respond("Buruburuburuburuburuburuburu");
}
if (message == "woah") {
respond("It's 'whoa'.");
}
if (message == "l4d") {
respond("Jonimus, Merth, IkariTari, Catherine, others L4D2 gogogo?");
}
if (message == "bronies") {
respond(" They're comin right at us! *BLAM BLAM BLAMBLAM BLAM*");
}
if (message == "dance") {
respond("^('-')^ ^('-')^ v('-')v v('-')v <('-'<) (>'-')> <('-'<) (>'-')> B A");
}
if (message == "narwhal") {
respond("http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Narwhals/");
}
if (message == "flail") {
respond("http://www.cemetech.net/img/misc/epicflail.jpg");
}
if (message == "IkariTari") {
respond("Kerm's personal debugger.");
}
if (message == "whoosh") {
respond("http://i.imgur.com/axJmn.gif");
}
if (message == "regex") {
respond("Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, I know, I'll use regular expressions. Now they have two problems.");
}
if (message == "wotd") {
respond("a great idea");
}
if (message == "bot") {
respond(" is a bot + + + + + does the robot");
}
if (message == "why") {
respond("Why? Because we love you!");
}
if (message == "0x5") {
respond("http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=969");
}
if (message == "magicka") {
respond(" IkariTari, Jonimus, Merth, Others, join us for some Wizard Suicide Simulator!");
}
if (message == "float") {
respond("Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, 'I know, I'll use floating point arithmetic'. Now they have 2.000000000000000000001 problems.");
}
if (message == "php") {
respond("\"I think English is probably a better programming language than PHP.\" - Kerm");
}
if (message == "\o/") {
respond("Stop it.");
}
if (message == "offtopic") {
respond(" WOOP WOOP offtopic alarm! WOOP WOOP");
}
if (message == "ahelper") {
respond(" Get yer butt in gear and get that there SDK done!");
}
if (message == "greek") {
respond("ιτ'ς αλλ γρεεκ το με!");
}
if (message == "minecraft") {
respond("Don't discuss Minecraft in SAX/IRC. Use topics. Also join mc.cemetech.net");
}
if (message == "xyzzy") {
respond("Nothing happens.");
}
if (message == "linkdocs") {
respond("http://merthsoft.com/linkguide/");
}
if (message == "errors") {
respond("Don't just say it doesn't work. Give the exact error. If you think that more information than a line or two will be useful, paste the output on a pastebin site such as http://rafb.me");
}
if (message == "flip4") {
respond("(╯°□°)╯︵ /(.□. \)");
}
if (message == "minecraftshoosh") {
respond(" http://tifreakware.net/images/STOPMINECRAFT.jpg");
}
if (message == "ponies") {
respond("Take the ponytalk elsewhere. It is not welcome here.");
}
if (message == "yodawg") {
respond("http://captionsearch.com/pix/y1hcmth24y.jpg");
}
if (message == "blub") {
respond("Blub club! >(<')");
}
if (message == "bulb2") {
respond(">(^') >(^') >(v') >(v') >(<') >(>') >(<') >(>')");
}
if (message == "yesut") {
respond("$nick will gladly join you for UT gogogogo!");
}
if (message == "general") {
respond("Why not ask your question as a general question to everyone who might know? See also: ~ask");
}
if (message == "nou") {
respond("Actually, the thing that you have just accused me of is more applicable to yourself.");
}
if (message == "yesme") {
respond("http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-k5J4RxQdE");
}
if (message == "...") {
respond("That's not the right way to use those.");
}
if (message == "supidity") {
respond("Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.");
}
if (message == "kyubey2") {
respond("http://i.imgur.com/hx3mdO4.png");
}
if (message == "kermsleep") {
respond(" Find the definition of 'Sleep' for Kerm here: http://i.imgur.com/LOvy2Ut.png");
}
if (message == "wiener") {
respond("Because Jonimus is a wiener.");
}
if (message == "fx-cg-cl") {
respond("http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8059");
}
if (message == "nagkerm") {
respond(" @KermM: nagnagnagstuffandthingsnagnagnag");
}
if (message == ".-.") {
respond(".-. ʷʰʳʳʳʳ");
}
if (message == "kiwf") {
respond("Kill it with fire.");
}
if (message == "deal") {
respond("( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) Deal with it");
}
if (message == "emacs2") {
respond("http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/029/8/3/emacs_user_at_work_by_earlcolour-d38aj2x.jpg");
}
if (message == "semicolon") {
respond("http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon");
}
if (message == "dcs8") {
respond(" Kerm programming gogogo");
}
if (message == "tilp") {
respond("http://sourceforge.net/projects/tilp/files/tilp2-win32/tilp2-1.17/tilp-1.17.zip/download");
}
if (message == "tilpbeta") {
respond("http://tiplanet.org/beta/setup.exe");
}
if (message == "tilplinux") {
respond("http://lpg.ticalc.org/prj_tilp/download/install_tilp.sh");
}
if (message == "goose") {
respond(" And this is why Goose is a sadist: http://themetapicture.com/what-math-stands-for/");
}
if (message == "programmers") {
respond(" http://themetapicture.com/programmers-vs-users/");
}
if (message == "systemtray") {
respond("http://blogs.msdn.com/b/oldnewthing/archive/2003/09/10/54831.aspx");
}
if (message == "diaf") {
respond("http://i.imgur.com/B8Icw6q.gif");
}
if (message == "apostrophe") {
respond("http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe");
}
if (message == ";") {
respond("http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon");
}
if (message == "'") {
respond("http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe");
}
if (message == "z80bits") {
respond("http://baze.au.com/misc/z80bits.html");
}
if (message == "wienerlist") {
respond("Jonimus, shaun");
}
if (message == "µt") {
respond(" Let's play a scientific game of UT2004!");
}
if (message == "ports") {
respond("http://tinyurl.com/83p-ports");
}
if (message == "doubt") {
respond(" When in doubt, ask benryves!");
}
if (message == "contest10") {
respond("Cemetech Contest #10: Write physics programs, win one or two of 4 calculators. Info: http://cemete.ch/n603");
}
if (message == "kerm") {
respond(" tha ghettoz most prolific graphin calculator programmer, or not your personal programmer");
}
if (message == "ticalc") {
respond(" http://www.ticalc.org Tha leadah in yo graphin calculator programmin hood");
}
if (message == "dicshaunary") {
respond("You really don't need the ~ when you say that...");
}
if (message == "idiot") {
respond("What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MRmxfLuNto");
}
if (message == "tapthat") {
respond("https://xkcd.com/398/");
}
if (message == "damnit") {
respond("http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/79282/dammit-vs-damnit");
}
if (message == "dcssdk2") {
respond(" http://www.cemetech.net/programs/index.php?mode=file&id=470");
}
if (message == "no wars") {
respond(" Null: programming languages; 2: editors; 3: shells; 4: OSes; 5: browsers");
}
if (message == "bakercat") {
respond("http://belarr.com/bakercat/");
}
if (message == "no .-.") {
respond(".-.~~ ʷʰʳʳʳʳ");
}
if (message == "Splash") {
respond(" Magikarp used Splash! It was super effective! Yamcha fainted..");
}
if (message == "ftpmustdie") {
respond("http://mywiki.wooledge.org/FtpMustDie");
}
if (message == "bored") {
respond("If you're bored you're boring. Go do something instead of complaining about it.");
}
if (message == "blasdflkh") {
respond("http://jonimoose.net/calcstuff/blasdflkh.txt");
}
if (message == "binsprite") {
respond("http://merthsoft.com/binsprite.html");
}
if (message == "comic") {
respond(" [18:36] <nikkybot> comicidiot is a hypocrite. or a pet duck. named Mr. Chuckles...");
}
if (message == "xlibpalette") {
respond("http://merthsoft.com/rgbhlpalette.png");
}
if (message == "xlibcpalette") {
respond("http://dcs.cemetech.net/index.php/DCSE:BasicLibs:DrawShape#Color_Values");
}
if (message == "overgoat") {
respond("http://media.taricorp.net/sc2n/day9/overgoat.ogg");
}
if (message == "when") {
respond("When its ready.");
}
if (message == "utgog") {
respond("http://www.gog.com/game/unreal_tournament_2004_ece");
}
if (message == "shame") {
respond("http://www.ticalc.org/archives/news/articles/6/69/69778.html");
}
if (message == "DATAonMATH") {
respond("http://web.archive.org/web/20120210004232/http://grahamkendall.net/");
}
if (message == "documentationflip") {
respond("(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━uoıʇɐʇuǝɯnɔop━┻");
}
if (message == "install_tilp.sh") {
respond(" http://lpg.ticalc.org/prj_tilp/download/install_tilp.sh");
}
if (message == "hcwp") {
respond("Have Calc, Will Program, every Wednesday at 8pm ET! https://plus.google.com/hangouts/_/event/cfsg1nmjnppa31u6en7l177ok68");
}
if (message == "quiz") {
respond("Join #cemetech-quiz for an exciting trivia quiz gogogo");
}
if (message == "comfort") {
respond(" Comfort is irrelevant!");
}
if (message == "isthatbetter") {
respond(" Affirmative");
}
if (message == "factoids") {
respond("http://jonimoose.net/calcstuff/factoids.txt");
}
if (message == "jstified") {
respond("http://cemete.ch/emu");
}
if (message == "dishonor") {
respond(" Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!");
}
if (message == "moffat") {
respond("a disgrace to television.");
}
if (message == "noaoe") {
respond("$nick unfortunately cannot play Age of Empires 2 HD at this time");
}
if (message == "skifree34") {
respond("http://ski.ihoc.net/abom_fu.gif");
}
if (message == "food") {
respond("$nick needs food :'(");
}
if (message == "recursion") {
respond("Please see the ~recursion command");
}
if (message == "problem") {
respond("Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, I know, I'll use $*. Now they have two problems.");
}
if (message == "editors") {
respond("http://i.imgur.com/IRrBM0A.jpg");
}
if (message == "banhammer") {
respond(" gets out the banhammer ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▋ Ò╭╮Ó");
}
if (message == "nikkyforadmin2014") {
respond(" Wait, nikky isn't already an admin?");
}
if (message == "linkguide") {
respond("http://merthsoft.com/linkguide/");
}
if (message == "spice") {
respond("THE SPICE MUST FLOW");
}
if (message == "flipallthetables") {
respond(" ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ノ︵ ┻━┻");
}
if (message == "shutup") {
respond(" <@nikky> Nobody cares about UT");
}
if (message == "debug") {
respond("http://ericlippert.com/2014/03/05/how-to-debug-small-programs/");
}
if (message == "decbot") {
respond("http://decbot.cemetech.net/scores/");
}
if (message == "tokenide") {
respond("TokenIDE is awesome. See cemete.ch/t10098 for more awesomeness.");
}
if (message == "motivation") {
respond(" THIS IS AMAZING! I FEEL INCREDIBLE! YES! YES! YES! YES! I CAN WIN! I FEEL GREAT! I. CAN. DO. THIS!! AAAHHH!");
}
if (message == "mc") {
respond("Move Minecraft discussion to #cemetech-mc, or use the forum. MC server is mc.cemetech.net ; DynMap is http://mc.cemetech.net:8122/");
}
if (message == "kermbook") {
respond("Programming : http://www.amazon.com/dp/1617290777/");
respond(" Using : http://www.amazon.com/dp/161729084X");
}
if (message == "karma") {
respond("Decbot does the karma, not me.");
}
if (message == "shaun") {
respond("Not your personal musician.");
}
if (message == "freespeech") {
respond("http://xkcd.com/1357/");
}
if (message == "programming") {
respond("Programming is easy; building software is hard.");
}
if (message == "computers") {
respond("All computers are just carefully organized sand. Everything is hard until someone makes it easy. ");
respond(" http://xkcd.org/1349/");
}
if (message == "kermpaper") {
respond("PAPER");
respond("THESIS WRITING GOGOGOGOGOGO");
}
if (message == "dense") {
respond(" http://tifreakware.net/images/dense.jpg");
}
if (message == "rules") {
respond("Don't be irritating to the staff.");
}
if (message == "nikkykip") {
respond("http://i.imgur.com/NKzwiVb.jpg");
}
if (message == "bash.org") {
respond("Roses are red, violets are blue, you read bash.org, WE ALL DO TOO.");
}
if (message == "liljon") {
respond("IF I WASNT N MUSIC I WULD B A PSYCHIATRIST");
}
if (message == "regex2") {
respond("http://stackoverflow.com/questions/1732348/regex-match-open-tags-except-xhtml-self-contained-tags");
}
if (message == "nohw") {
respond("$nick unfortunately cannot play Hedgewars at this time");
}
if (message == "yeshw") {
respond("$nick is happy to join you for Hedgewars!");
}
if (message == "motivation2") {
respond(" http://9gag.com/gag/azbwANz?ref=fbp");
}
if (message == "mccoy") {
respond("I'm a doctor, Jim, not an engineer!");
}
if (message == "nag") {
respond("When in doubt, nag comic!");
}
if (message == "volunteers") {
respond(" We contribute our time here because we love teaching. Our time is valuable, our lives are busy, and we'll respond to good questions if we have the time and inclination. Please be patient.");
}
if (message == "what") {
respond("dat");
}
if (message == "aoe") {
respond("KermM, AHelper, tifreak, nikky, ordelore, Kaslai, unknownln, elfprince, qazz42, pyrotechn, others, Age of Empires 2 HD?");
}
if (message == "potatoes") {
respond(" Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew..");
}
if (message == "nagahelper") {
respond("AHelper, Redintegrate and gCAS gogogogogo");
}
if (message == "whrrrr") {
respond("https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KU3rcptyfhE");
}
if (message == "hrwo") {
respond("https://plus.google.com/hangouts/_/event/cablf14737sqoa77tsdihin2g9s");
}
if (message == "pullTheLeverKronk") {
respond("WRONG LEVERRRRRRRR!");
}
if (message == "war6") {
respond("Are we arguing about hg, git, SVN, and CVS again?");
}
if (message == "no, scores") {
respond("http://decbot.cemetech.net/scores/");
}
if (message == "away") {
respond("Away nicks are a bannable offence, please read http://bisqwit.iki.fi/jutut/away.html");
}
if (message == "xkcd") {
respond("There's an XKCD that relates to this.");
}
if (message == "war7") {
respond("Are we arguing about smartphone OSes again?");
}
if (message == "wars") {
respond("null: programming languages ; 2: editors; 3: shells; 4: OSes; 5: browsers; 6: DCVSes; 7: Phone OSes");
}
if (message == "xd") {
respond("not an actual face. Stop it.");
}
if (message == "posf") {
respond("You should posf on the Comictech foam.");
}
if (message == "dinner") {
respond("Sorry, $nick needs to fulfill their mortal need for tasty sustenance.");
}
if (message == "laundry") {
respond("The bane of modern life.");
}
if (message == "nagunknown") {
respond("@Unknownln: nagnagstuffandthingsnagnag (calculator C compiler work gogogogo)");
}
if (message == "test") {
respond("Just testing.");
}
if (message == "++") {
respond("Our karma system rewards people or things for being helpful, intelligent, funny, or useful.");
}
if (message == "forth") {
respond("I think you meant to type FORTH .");
}
if (message == "kermflip") {
respond("(╯°□°)╯︵ɯɯɹǝʞ");
}
if (message == "ban") {
respond("When in doubt, ban Ultimate Dev'r!");
}
if (message == "givewhitelist") {
respond("test cookie cemetech thread post posf introduce decbot dcswiki prizm topic ask wikiti lmgtfy");
}
if (message == "mantra") {
respond("\"Quality over quantity\" is the goal of Cemetech. Posting is great, but it's best when it adds constructively to a discussion or is used for well-phrased questions.");
}
if (message == "angryflip") {
respond("http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=007429");
}
if (message == "yesish") {
respond("$nick wants to do that thing, but will do it in a bit, like 5 minutes or an hour or so.");
}
if (message == "starcraft") {
respond("KermM, Merth, DJ_O, Tari, elfprince, others: Starcraft gogogogo?");
}
if (message == "hater") {
respond("<nikkybot> 3. don't be a hater.");
}
if (message == "merth") {
respond("Don't greet Merth--how many times do I have to say it!");
}
if (message == "topblame") {
respond("Blame Kerm for making poor dictatorial decisions.");
}
if (message == "gitblame") {
respond("Blame elfprince for making the system super-complicated. We'll do it live!");
}
if (message == "creation") {
respond("There is no other scientifically sound explanation for the creation of the universe.");
}
if (message == "languages") {
respond("\"There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses.\" - Bjarne Stroustrup");
}
if (message == "28d") {
respond("Updated Learn TI-83 Plus Assembly In 28 Days: http://media.taricorp.net/83pa28d/welcome.html");
}
if (message == "yesblame") {
respond("Yes, when in doubt, $nick will blame comicIDIOT.");
}
if (message == "no, blame") {
respond("When in doubt, blame Ephraim!");
}
if (message == "coffee") {
respond("$nick, please accept this steaming cup of coffee with my compliments: C[_] http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon");
}
if (message == "nikky") {
respond("The glue that holds the TI community together, or http://calcg.org/cgi-bin/files.cgi?id=236 .");
}
if (message == "doctorwho") {
respond("<nikky> Doctor Who That's not the right way to use those. is pretty ok");
}
if (message == "comicsleep") {
respond(" Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.");
}
if (message == "ez80") {
respond("Zilog ez80 maual: http://www.zilog.com/docs/um0077.pdf");
}
if (message == "iambian") {
respond("It be crunk in dis hizzle, fa rizzle?");
}
if (message == "glk") {
respond("My url has vast 89 data in MATH http://grahamkendall.org/");
}
if (message == "rocketsurgery") {
respond("http://www.turkeyandghost.com/3");
}
if (message == "blame") {
respond("When in doubt, blame comic!");
}
if (message == "etiquette2") {
respond("Please read http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=10262");
}
if (message == "analogref") {
respond("https://www.ti.com/seclit/ml/slyw038a/slyw038a.pdf");
}
if (message == "brokegit") {
respond("http://ibrokegit.com/");
}
if (message == "ut") {
respond("Jonimus, Kaslai, geekboy, CVSoft, Ahelper, KermM, pyrotechn, Eeems, Hayleia, Qazz42, EarthDrag, Abrum, others: UT2004 gogogogo?");
}
if (message == "programmingsucks") {
respond("http://www.stilldrinking.org/programming-sucks");
}
if (message == "tiprogrameditor") {
respond("http://tifreakware.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=47&t=203");
}
if (message == "patrickd") {
respond(" [PatrickD] The TI-85 shall reign supreme, always and forever");
}
if (message == "eta") {
respond("When It's Ready™");
}
if (message == "ticalccd") {
respond("https://archive.org/details/ticalc-org-cd");
}
if (message == "zds") {
respond("http://store.zilog.com/index.php?option=com_ixxocart&Itemid=1&p=product&id=28&parent=5");
}
if (message == "scores") {
respond("http://decbot.cemetech.net");
}
if (message == "quotes") {
respond("http://decbot.cemetech.net/quotes/");
}
if (message == "netiquette") {
respond("Cemetech netiquette: http://www.cemetech.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=10262");
}
if (message == "z80") {
respond("Zilog z80 Manual: http://www.zilog.com/manage_directlink.php?filepath=docs/z80/um0080&extn=.pdf");
}
if (message == "hw") {
respond("KermM, Hooloovoo/Hoolootwo, comic, unknownln, EinHelfer/AHelper, M. I. Wright, Ivoah, others: Hedgewars gogogogo?");
}
if (message == "ti86flip") {
respond("98-ıʇ");
}
if (message == "bwt") {
respond("badwordtest");
}
if (message == "z80time") {
respond("z80 opcode hex and timing: http://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/1/110.html");
}
if (message == "partitioning") {
respond("Proper disk partitioning visual guide: http://www.cemetech.net/img/misc/partitioning.jpg");
}
if (message == "powercycle") {
respond("Have you tried turning it off and on again? https://youtu.be/nn2FB1P_Mn8");
}
if (message == "textspeak") {
respond(" http://tifreakware.net/cemetech/typememe.jpg");
}
if (message == "pt_") {
respond(" http://sgate.emt.bme.hu/patai/pindurti/");
}
if (message == "nagpt_") {
respond("P_T/PT_, you have tons of ICE/jsTIfied/SourceCoder/Cemetech/studying/sleep/life... things you could be doing!");
}
if (message == "fast") {
respond(" https://i.imgur.com/KrsN4hl.png");
}
I had to make small changes so that the prompts didn't have capital letters, because == doesn't IgnoreCase, and I didn't feel like using .equalsIgnoreCase(). I also had to modify the ones that have quotes in the replies, and the ones that return 2 responses, but overall it took about 15 minutes.