Cheesy Jokes

[WikiGuru]

Another good one

[GloryMXE7]

what time is it when an elephant sits on your watch
Time to get a new watch

sorrybest i got right now

[dxfan101010]

Not exataly clean but its my favorite joke of all time soooo...

[GloryMXE7]

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

- He was lost in thought because it was unfamiliar territory.

- Nothing is really foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool.

- The latest poll finds that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

- "Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded." - Yogi Berra

- "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin

- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying." - Woody Allen

- He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it.

- It was decided that his sole purpose in life was to serve as a bad example.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you.

- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

- The philosopher was laying in bed one night, looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself, "Where the heck is my ceiling?"

- He doesn't suffer from stress - he's a carrier.

- And if I was getting smart with you, how would you know?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- Is there another word for 'synonym'?

[dxfan101010]

thanks for the laugh Gloreymxe7

[GloryMXE7]

heres some math jokes

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination. (the dreaded "man bear pig" ratio)

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe

Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things. -- J. H. Poincare


A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin)

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas. (my favorite one)

A law of conservation of difficulties: there is no easy way to prove a deep result.

A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.

Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html this link takes you to the site I found these jokes at

[simplethinker]

One of my favorite math jokes:
"I seem to have gained some momentum... screw Noether!"

[GloryMXE7]

i got a kick out of these two
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

A physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose the fire, which gave humanity the power over matter. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"

[ztrumpet]

All of your above posts were quite funny.
However, I was compelled to look this up in a Thesaurus.

[dxfan101010]

why didnt te skeleton go to the party...

he had nobody to go with

[GloryMXE7]

person a-did you hear the one about the bed
person 2- no i have not
person 1- of course you haven't, it hasn't been made yet

[dxfan101010]

now the jokes are starting to repeat

[GloryMXE7]

welll then heres some non repeated math jokes

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked: "Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg. How many legs does a horse have?" The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer says "But you can't do that!

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" T he physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime. Just to be sure, try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an approximation to a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer (reading the output on the screen): 3 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 3 a is prime, 3 is a prime....
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
Chemist (or Dan Quayle): What's a prime?
Politician: "Some numbers are prime.. but the goal is to create a kinder, gentler society where all numbers are prime... "
Programmer: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from Knuth on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found the last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? - was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all night working on this program, ya know... now if management would just get me that new workstation that just came out, I'd be done by now... etc., etc. ..."
(Two is the oddest prime of all, because it's the only one that's even!)

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was later discovered that he taught the students to solve their problem with the help of radicals!

A Mathematician was put in a room. The room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of a softball. He was told to do whatever he wants with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table. The same test is given to a Physicist. After an hour, the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, an Engineer was tested. After an hour, one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

What is the difference between a Psychotic, a Neurotic and a mathematician? A Psychotic believes that 2+2=5. A Neurotic knows that 2+2=4, but it kills him. A mathematician simply changes the base.

Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife? A: A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing.

An engineer and a topologist were locked in the rooms for a day with a can of food but without an opener. At the end of the day, the engineer is sitting on the floor of his room and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open. In the mathematician's room, the can is still closed but the mathematician has disappeared. There are strange noises coming from inside the can... When it is opened and the mathematician crawls out. "a! I got a sign wrong..."

[Weregoose]

All those and more can be found on this page (so we can stop copying and pasting from there, I think).

[GloryMXE7]

oh i already posted that link in an earlier post

[fougere]

A mathematician was arrested at an airport for carrying papers describing how to blow up a plane.

[dxfan101010]

haHa um i am shure this is posted somewhere in the thread ........ Probley something lke weapons of math instruction unless this is true...

[fougere]

a blowup of a plane (or a point, line, etc.) is something you can do in geometry involving extending something into higher dimensions

[simplethinker]

Here's a nerdier version (group theory FTW ):

[ticalcnoah]

Things actually said by my math teacher.
A cat is a vector because it has a head and a tail.
What is happening on a limit does it just walk to the number?
Don't promote racism in numbers all numbers are the same.
I perfect understand this.(Polish with bad english.)