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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
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Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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 Posted: 10 Jan 2009 06:24:45 pm Post subject: |
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Haha, half a measure! That's a good one.
How do you keep an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
How many clarinetists does it take to change the lightbulb?
Just one, but they'll go through 10 boxes of lightbulbs to find the right one.
What's the dynamic range of a trombone?
On, off
How do you get a violist to stop playing?
give them a solo.
edit:
What's the only downside of a car with 4 clarinetists going off a cliff?
You could fit one more.
There's a conductor and violist in the middle of the road. Which do you hit first?
Conductor: business before pleasure.
A tuba player, flutist, and trumpeter are crossing a lake in a boat when it starts to sink. Who lives/dies, and why?
Tuba player climbs into his tuba and paddles to safety.
The flutist floats away cause they're an airhead.
The trumpeter dies cause he thinks he can walk on water.
Last edited by Guest on 10 Jan 2009 06:31:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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tr1p1ea
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Joined: 03 Aug 2003
Posts: 870
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| Posted: 11 Jan 2009 01:40:55 pm Post subject: |
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Why did the kid fall off his bike? Cause his dad threw a fridge at him.
Last edited by Guest on 11 Jan 2009 01:45:54 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Harrierfalcon
The Raptor of Calcs
Super Elite (Last Title)
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 2535
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| Posted: 11 Jan 2009 08:34:31 pm Post subject: |
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During a particularly important rehearsal, the conductor is getting increasingly aggravated by the percussion section. At one point his anger peaks and he yells "You know what they do with the idiots who can't play any instrument? They take away their instrument, give them a couple of sticks, put him in back, and make him a percussionist."
One of the percussionists mutters, "You know what they do with the idiots who can't play any percussion instrument? They take away one of the sticks, puts him in front, and make him the conductor." |
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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
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Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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| Posted: 12 Jan 2009 10:09:55 pm Post subject: |
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Today in class we were talking about the velocity of free-falling objects, and our teacher was giving an example. They asked what weighs about 50 kg, and someone said a child.
Last edited by Guest on 12 Jan 2009 10:14:38 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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bukwirm
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Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 233
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| Posted: 13 Jan 2009 01:14:42 am Post subject: |
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Not terribly cheesy, but it seems to go with the theme that's developing:
A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest.
"Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people stand to pay me honor."
"That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they address me as 'Your Holiness.'"
The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"
-from http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88q4/4989.20.html
EDIT: OK, here's a cheesy one:
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both mess up bowings.
Last edited by Guest on 13 Jan 2009 01:29:42 am; edited 1 time in total |
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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
Elite
Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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| Posted: 13 Jan 2009 10:05:41 pm Post subject: |
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A child says to his mother "Someday when I grow up, I want to be a trumpeter!"
His mother replies "You can't have both."
Three good friends die and go to heaven. As they're standing at the gate, Saint Peter asks the first "How much did you make while you were alive?"
He replies "$200,000 a year"
"What did you do for a living?"
"I was a banker"
Saint Peter then asks the second guy "How much did you make while you were alive?"
"$150,000 a year"
"What did you do for a living?"
"I was an accountant"
He asks the third guy "How much did you make while you were alive?"
"About $20,000 a year"
"What instrument did you play?"
How do you know you have a drummer at your door?
The knocking gets faster and they never know when to come in.
What do you call a guitarist who's girlfriend dumped them?
homeless. |
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bananaman
Indestructible
Calc Guru
Joined: 12 Sep 2005
Posts: 1124
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| Posted: 14 Jan 2009 03:52:55 pm Post subject: |
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How many 3rd trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they can't get that high. |
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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
Elite
Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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| Posted: 15 Jan 2009 02:13:53 pm Post subject: |
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| There was a man that had to go to Florida for a business trip, and his wife was going to Florida the next day to visit family. So, the husband decides that he's going to email his wife, "See you tomorrow, and dress light. It's hot down here." However, he types the email address in wrong, and it gets sent to the widow of a preacher. |
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lordofthegeeks
Advanced Member
Joined: 13 Jul 2007
Posts: 280
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| Posted: 15 Jan 2009 07:22:18 pm Post subject: |
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A business executive was on a business trip when his plane crashed into the amazon.
We wandered around for several weeks weeks when on the verge of exhaustion he stumbled across a massive tribe of natives.
They quickly surrounded him and fearing his doom looked up into the heavens and cryed out "God, I'm screwed".
Then A deep resounding voice split the heavens And God Answered, " You are not Screwed, Do you see the man in the bright feathered head dress walking up to you? Take the stone at your feet and bash in his head"
The man grabbed the stone and did just that.
as the tribe looked on with horror on there faces at there chieftain lying in a pool of blood at the strangers feet the Lord spoke again.
"Now Your Screwed". |
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GloryMXE7
Puzzleman 3000
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Joined: 02 Nov 2008
Posts: 604
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| Posted: 16 Jan 2009 02:58:58 pm Post subject: |
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| the flute players at my scool seem to hold their flutes at a downwards angle which is kindafunny because a flute is a relatively light instrument |
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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
Elite
Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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| Posted: 16 Jan 2009 06:12:40 pm Post subject: |
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My conductor asked what's the dynamic marking, and a bassist yelled out "pp!".
He would also exclaim from time to time "Who taught you to count?!", and someone responded "You did"
"What's new?"
"C over lambda"
Last edited by Guest on 16 Jan 2009 06:17:04 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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lafferjm
Member
Joined: 02 Aug 2006
Posts: 169
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| Posted: 17 Jan 2009 04:59:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Did you know diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans. |
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Ph34r_my_l33t_skillz
Advanced Member
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 339
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| Posted: 17 Jan 2009 05:38:09 pm Post subject: |
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Not really consistent with the instrument theme, but:
Approximately 8 out of every 3 people have math dyslexia.
Why did the little boy throw his clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
What do you call a creature that's big, red, and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater. |
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lordofthegeeks
Advanced Member
Joined: 13 Jul 2007
Posts: 280
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| Posted: 18 Jan 2009 01:47:41 pm Post subject: |
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what do you call a large hariry creature with large fangs a nasty dispotion and a taste for computer programers?
I don't know eiter but its standing behind you drooling... |
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darkstone knight
Advanced Member
Joined: 07 Sep 2008
Posts: 438
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| Posted: 18 Jan 2009 03:53:22 pm Post subject: |
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lordofthegeeks wrote: ...computer programers?...
<---- calc programer :biggrin: |
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MSR5
Newbie
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 49
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| Posted: 12 Feb 2009 07:59:34 pm Post subject: |
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darkstone knight wrote: lordofthegeeks wrote: ...computer programers?...
<---- calc programer :biggrin:
well isn't a calc basically just like a small computer? BTW here is an old one:
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in an hotel. A fire breaks out and only the engineer wakes up. He sees a bucket, a sink, and a solution. He quickly fills the bucket with water and pours it on the fire. Then he pours another bucket of water on the ashes for extra pro-cation and goes back to sleep. When another fire breaks out this time only the physicist wakes up. The physicist sees the fire, the bucket, and the sink; he then calculates the precise amount of water to put the fire out which he does. The physicist goes back to sleep, but another fire breaks out. When only the mathematician wakes up he sees the fire, the bucket, and the sink and concludes there is a solution and goes back to sleep. |
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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
Elite
Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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| Posted: 24 Feb 2009 05:34:09 pm Post subject: |
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!" |
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Galandros
Active Member
Joined: 29 Aug 2008
Posts: 565
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| Posted: 27 Feb 2009 04:46:10 pm Post subject: |
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How many euros does a mathematician in bankrupt can afford to pay?
Just some imaginary euros.
Made myself so there is no guarantee that is good. :ninja:
Last edited by Guest on 27 Feb 2009 04:47:25 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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WikiGuru
ADOS (Attention deficit... Oh! Shiny!)
Elite
Joined: 15 Sep 2005
Posts: 923
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| Posted: 28 Feb 2009 12:51:51 am Post subject: |
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Quote: This is no joke but a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer substance. Jupiter Scientific's science joke webpage is probably not the place to post this protest, but the JS staff feels very strongly about this issue. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products. Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its "economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent on DHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and every individual throughout the world. |
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Galandros
Active Member
Joined: 29 Aug 2008
Posts: 565
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| Posted: 28 Feb 2009 05:01:56 am Post subject: |
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It is too late. And we are all dependent of it, right now. rofl
[whiteout]That is H2O, commonly water.[/whiteout]
Last edited by Guest on 12 Jul 2010 01:16:17 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Open Topic & United-TI Talk => General Open Topic
