This one's not an April Fools' joke, I'm happy to say. Over the past two weeks I wrote an extensive technical report on the construction, coding, and performance of Simms AI v1, the first incarnation of my self-trained, conversational neural-network-based bot. It's over a year since Simms AI first went online, and 2 million neural connections later, it was time to evaluate its functionality and start looking towards the next version. It is currently online under the screenname SimmsAI should you wish to chat with it; be patient, it lags sometimes. This report explains how it parses and constructs sentences, how its custom thread-management system is structured, and how Simms performs technically and linguistically. Please check it out below and give me feedback, either on the report, on Simms v1, or on the upcoming Simms AI v2.