I gotta say, Life does suck. A lot. Ive done some regrettable stuff to try and deal with that...
I literally see things out of the corner of my eyes sometimes, mostly when im tired or in dark spaces/shadows.
My spirituality says that this is normal, but at this point, its the last thing i need to start “seeing spirits” or stuff.
I wont talk about anything ive done until I get an OK that I can talk about it. I feel it would really help to throw my voice into the microcosm called the internet, but im not sure. Just need to make sure I wont be banned for it, because this is my last group of real people.
Heck when I am older (If i even get there), I might look back on this.
I feel trapped by my family. They dont know i have discord or use cemetech, but they are very overbearing and invasive. They dont know much about me. Heck, there are people here that know more about me than my immediate family.why? Because my family never takes the time.
Im never gonna be anywhere near as loved as my stepsister. She is the golden child, and there is nothing i can do about it.
I get along with people at school, but they feel fake somehow. Like im living in a badly made simulation or something. Does anyone know what Im talking about?
My parents never beat me or anything. They just told me i was worthless. I sorta believe them, too. They make me question my sanity by telling me things they did in the past never happened. They tried to get me diagnosed as schizophrenic, and still say im “just undiagnosed”.
My public school called child services on them twice, but they were able to dance their way out every time. They took me out of public school because “they get into our business too much”.
Now im in a somewhat new school. Im lucky that im boarding, because if i was still at home, i would be dead by now most likely.
And now, they are saying Im paying for my own college, because “we spent all your college money on other stuff”. My grandparents have offered to pay, but my parents told them i am not going to college.
Well, that was a rant. Sorry if that was a waste of your time. I really should just shut up.

Yknow what? Imma shut up until further notice.
I got an ok to put my more triggering stuff here. If you have a problem with this sorta stuff, please dont read this...

Confessions:


I tried to overdose last November. Ive been in a psych ward twice in the past year. I cut (somehow i havent for a few months). Scissors hurt. Scars hurt. Blood is hard to get out of stuff. People react badly to scars. My parents said it was “for attention” and i get in trouble when i do it. Like, REAL trouble. Im not about to go into what that means, just know its not fun. They said my therapist told them that was what it was. My therapist said she told them no such thing. My parents can access my email, so that means I cant email my therapist freely. My dad drank all the time, but now he's in AA, but to be honest, the drinking didn’t make him mean, he’s just mean. My actual mom is dead. She had early Leukemia when she was pregnant with me. She died when I was two. My parents still refuse to talk about her. My stepmother is a manipulative b****. I am scared to die, but hate existing.

If the little things can make you so happy, why cant they make you depressed, too?

I still havent told my parents im trans/bi. I think they would just use it against me like everything else. My dad is still mad im not doing sports this year. Im not a jock like my dad wanted me to be. Im not anything ANYONE wants, except for a few people that have no real sway over my life.

I hope someone finds this one day, years in the future. It might even be me who finds this. I might come back if im still alive. But to all you future people: hello from 2021. Life sucks. Send help. Or grape soda Smile

Does anyone else feel drained by just existing? The only reason i carry on is “oh, but this will happen in a week, so i cant die yet” type of stuff.

Is there anybody out there? Can anyone hear me? I have a lot thats on my mind.
Sometimes i feel like im gonna die in my sleep. Its actually a relaxing feeling, and theres sorta a “dammit” when i wake up.

Wow thats a lot.
...and I thought my life was bad.
I hope you've found a great community with Cemetech.
Don't commit suicide; there's a lot to live for yet.

Also: about the email: check out protonmail. You don't need any previous email/phone number to sign up.
Oh man, that's horrible. It infuriates me that you're being restricted from your access to legitimate help. My initial reaction is to suggest figuring out a method of private contact with your therapist. It depends on your age and what state you're in, but any information you give your therapist might be protected under HIPAA. So, once you have a means of private communication, it should be impossible for your parents to get any information without your consent. I'm not very knowledgeable in this area so be sure to verify that therapy is protected by HIPAA and that your state allows you to keep your information private. I hope you find some solace on Cemetech, we'll do our best to support you through the rough times.
I will happily send you some grape soda if possible! Feel free to DM me your address and I will see how I can do it Smile.
Ok thanks everyone!
Dont send me the soda, that was a joke. I normally would say yes, but im leaving school in a bit, and the divorce means i wont know where im staying.
I checked, and HIPPA is a thing where i live! Yahoo!
But yeah, it will be hard to mantain a private email...
My parents tried to get me arrested bc of a meme they found on my old email. It was about school shootings. The conversation was like this:
Parents: “hes gonna shoot up the school!”
School: “ok were kicking him out”
Parents: “why did you do that, wave?”
I was not arrested (thankfully) for that, or when my parents tried to convince my one friend to file me as a sex offender.
Tldr on that: she said heck no, and my parents tried to tell her parents i had assaulted her or some other lie, but her parents (thank god) saw through the BS.

If anyone wanted to mail me anything, i would be open to it. Just say so, and what you want to mail.
Yeah, life sucks, but it sucks a little less when I’m here.
Dude, your parents suck.
Wavejumper3 wrote:
Ok thanks everyone!
Dont send me the soda, that was a joke. I normally would say yes, but im leaving school in a bit, and the divorce means i wont know where im staying.

Ooh, a divorce means legal proceedings, which means you get to decide custody if you're underage, and I imagine that the previous inquires from child services and a testimony of yours would probably lead to some wonderful chaos. Do get a new email and start cutting them out of your life, if you they can't touch you physically, then they can't enforce anything if you're virtually rebelling.

Now for me to whine about things. I recently found out my parents have been using lots more parental controls than I was aware of, and my paranoia is evolving into anxiety over security holes and a lack of privacy. Now that I'm 18, this is technically illegal, but I'm too passive to take matters into my own hands. I've got multiple ways to completely undermine anything and everything they can try, but again, I'm not assertive enough. I constantly feel like I'm not getting enough done even while I destroy myself with late-night studies and work. My depression, which I defeated once, is coming back with all my self-loathing and uncertainty. Basically, everything sucks like it always has and I either can't fix stuff fast enough or am the source of the problem itself. But I really like fixing stuff, so I guess I'll just some stuff to the project list.
King dub dub:
Dont be passive. I would confront your parents about the stuff, and if they aren’t responsive, i would confront other family members.
Also, I am not sure about if i will even be a part of the legal proceedings. They may honestly only start living seperately (a divorce in practice), but without the legal stuff. If i do get to say anything, though, i will.
Also, my status as a “disabled” minor may change that (tldr: Autism). I hope i have a say, though. Does anyone know how I would go about that?
  
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